I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My pussy is not your playground.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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