how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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