Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Too much gin, very little bucket
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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