not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
