I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
