She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
