Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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