at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
