I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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