my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
