i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
