I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
