I wish my penis had an off switch
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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