She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
