Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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