when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
