Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
