Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
