Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
