he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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