I met the friendliest cop last night
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
