You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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