You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I checked into jail on foursquare
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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