Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
