My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
