How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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