Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
