I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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