I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
