my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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