im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
