guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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