How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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