It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
