You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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