I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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