Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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