Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
