I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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