I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
