i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
