If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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