OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
