he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
We smell like vodka and hangover
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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