My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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