Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
that's an acceptable place to lick
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I party with great urgency now.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
