God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
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I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
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These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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