What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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