I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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