The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
