My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
