Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
