The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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