he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
