I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
