You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
