Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
