How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
