i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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