Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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