You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
