Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
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I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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