I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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