I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
